Emotional Intelligence: It's Not Just "How Are You Feeling?
Recently
an employee told me, "We don't utilize Emotional Intelligence
here." When I asked why, she replied that they'd had a training
program some time back and for the next few weeks everyone asked,
"How are you feeling?" in an attempt to be nice and not hurt
someone's feelings. "It got to be too much. All that ‘touchy feely'
stuff isn't appropriate for a workplace."
She was right! If that's what folks were doing, it wasn't appropriate for
most workplaces, even when it's a social services or mental health agency.
More important, "How are you feeling?" doesn't come close to
encompassing what Emotional Intelligence is all about today. The dust has
finally settled after Daniel Goleman's landmark best-seller, Working
with Emotional Intelligence, was published in 2000. There were
innumerable follow-up discussions about who really came up with the
concept, what's the right model, what's appropriate -- and what's not
appropriate -- about feelings and emotions at work. Today, main-line
corporations, academic institutions, government and not-for-profit
entities are finding the power in this core strategic soft skill.
Emotional
Intelligence Quotient vs. Intelligence Quotient
Intelligence Quotient, or IQ, was originally a very practical concept
developed to predict which children would benefit from and succeed in
school. An IQ test assessed academic subjects: math, reading, vocabulary,
along with logical and spatial reasoning. It could measure how much each
child knew, and predict if they could apply that knowledge. The result was
an IQ score.
Emotional Intelligence Quotient, or EQ, is also about how you use your
knowledge and skills. The knowledge is emotional rather than
rational/logical. Emotional Intelligence considers how well people
understand themselves and others, and then applies that understanding to
better manage both intra-personal and inter-personal interactions.
While different Emotional Intelligence models are still being used, the
core features are very similar:
1. understanding yourself;
2. managing yourself;
3. understanding others;
4. managing your relationships.
Understanding
Yourself
Understanding yourself, self-knowledge, includes knowing both your
strengths and your flat sides. You have to know the areas in which you
have still more work to do, what hits your hot buttons, and where you
aren't as effective as you'd like to be. As you acknowledge who you are
and what you can do -- or not do as the case may be -- your confidence
will grow and you'll be less likely to be undone by negative comments,
false praise, or unwarranted criticism.
In a work setting, you'll find you're open to feedback, curious, ready to
learn new ideas and areas of work, and can question what is known and not
known. Acknowledging what you do/don't know means you can begin to manage
yourself more effectively through both your strengths and limitations.
Self-Management
The core feature of self-management is responsibility, i.e. the ability to
respond, rather than react, or worse, repeat previous damaging actions.
Self-management is future- focused behavior based on choice. It means you
hold yourself accountable for what you have chosen to do.
Paradoxically, as you take more responsibility for what you do, whether
the choices are effective or ineffective, your personal power increases.
You're no longer under the control of others. By responding from choice,
you determine how you feel and what you do, regardless of how well others
treat you or what they say about you or your work.
At work this manifests in taking more initiative, acting with an eye to
the future, rather than hanging back. You're proactive instead of
reactive. You become more resilient because you stop waiting for others to
fix things and start acknowledging you can choose to change. Your optimism
increases as you see greater opportunities. In addition, your stress
diminishes as you acknowledge your ability to make choices for yourself.
Interestingly, even unpleasant or difficult assignments are easier to
accept when you acknowledge that you chose to take them on.
Notice I said, "easier." I'm not saying it's easy. Assignments
may still be difficult, but at least now they are your choice, rather than
imposed upon you by your boss or your company. Acknowledging you're acting
from choice is one of the most difficult transitions to make in
self-management. Whether it is returning a fee to a client or firing a
non-performing employee or managing an impossible project, the time will
come when you have to do something you don't want to do. I show my clients
that they do have a choice. They could keep the fee or not fire the
employee or turn down the project if that was what they really wanted to
do. However, there will be consequences to accept: never getting work
again with that client, or with anyone else in his circle of influence,
being removed from your job or blocked for promotion.
You always have a choice. You can't choose the event, but you can
certainly choose how you will handle it.
Understanding
Others
I've shown that the complexities of Emotional Intelligence can't be
reduced to "How are you feeling?" At the same time,
understanding others can't be reduced to a series of letters, animals,
colors, or icons. (Can you tell this is one of my hot buttons?)
These style instruments might be fun, and have certainly been used a lot
in corporate settings, but they describe general qualities of people. It
isn't uncommon to assume if someone is a part of the group being
described, they'll definitely exhibit all the attributes and
features of the group. He or she falls in to the stereotype and you run
the risk of overlooking the individuality of the person you want to
understand.
No one can deny there are people who share attributes. They may be either
task or people oriented, They may be analytical or sensitive. They may be
high-energy dynamos or low-energy plodders. They may understand situations
and make decisions quickly or prefer to keep the issue open until all the
factors have been examined. They may have either an internal or external
locus of control and attention. More likely, they will have a combination
of these attributes.
When you practice by paying close attention to other people's patterns of
behavior and speech, as well as their reactions and interactions with
others, it can be all you need to start understanding them.
At work, when you have a better understanding of others, what makes them
who they are (their personal style), what's important to them (motivating
factors), and their ability to be empathetic and interested in others,
will go a long way toward developing your Understanding of Others ability.
My clients find it also increases their perceived leadership and
management abilities, enhances the service they provide to clients and
customers, and helps them honor larger commitments This results in
increased profitability and productivity not just for yourself, but for
the whole organization.
Managing
Relationships
Managing relationships requires the skills and awareness developed from
Understanding of Self, Understanding Others, and Managing Yourself. When
you put these skills in service to the larger goals of an organization,
your team or your own career, you can be seen as a change catalyst, a
person of influence, interested and involved in the development of others.
You'll start to develop your own model for resolving conflict, developing
a collaborative team, and riding the give-and-take of a successful manager
and leader, regardless of your official position.
Managing relationships becomes an increasingly important factor in both
individual and organizational success the higher you rise on your career
ladder.
Developing
Emotional Intelligence
There is ample evidence potential IQ is laid down at a very early age.
Developing a higher IQ is dependent on a rich and vibrant intellectual
environment during early childhood. These environmental stimuli increase
the number of neurological connections in the brain, which leads to
increased ability to process new information and develop models of
understanding.
The Emotional Intelligence Quotient is similar in that it develops
conceptual models from rich emotional environment from an early age. The
primary difference is the area of the brain being activated and models'
resistance to change.
While IQ is centered in the neocortex, the intellectual, reasoning part of
the brain, EQ is laid down in the amygdala, a more primitive, reactive,
feeling center of the brain.
When we think of our mind, we are referring to the neocortex, that part of
the brain that's uniquely human. It's the seat of thought, where we think
and comprehend information received through our senses. It's where we
plan, interpret ideas and feelings, create art, symbols, and imaginings,
developing new ideas builds on the models and ideas we've already learned.
Emotions find their home in the amygdala, a part of the limbic system of
the brain, which keeps the body running and is preprogrammed with
stereotypical reactions and movements. The amygdala allows animals to
learn and remember. It's the storehouse of emotional memory and gives
meaning to life through the unique experiences of each individual. It's
the storehouse for passion of all types. It's where tears are stimulated
and it's soothed when we are held, stroked or comforted.
Because of its extensive web of neural connections, the amygdala can
capture the rest of the brain during an emotional emergency, responding to
incoming stimuli before the neocortex, and triggering action you might
later regret. Ready - Fire - Aim! You literally react before you
think.
Against this background of neurological connections and brain response,
developing greater Emotional Intelligence might sound daunting. To learn
new ways of responding emotionally means unlearning or at least lowering
the volume on what we've already learned. We need to go against what
"feels right" or "feels like me" to do something very
different. The goal is not to act purely from a feeling perspective, but
to develop a better balance between the emotional and rational drivers
that control your actions.
I show my clients how to take the first steps in developing greater
Emotional Intelligence by uncovering and understanding their own emotions
and emotion-driven behaviors. From there, I show them how to become more
adept at handling emotions and emotion-driven behaviors to ensure they're
more appropriate to the situations. At the same time, my clients begin to
acknowledge and understand the feelings of others, not by continually
asking how they feel, but by relying on their innate powers of observation
and interpretation.
Once you've taken the steps to understand and manage yourself, and to
understand others, you can apply what you've learned to leading and
managing others more effectively. That's the power of increasing your
Emotional Intelligence Quotient, one of the most important of the soft
skills.
__________
Since 1986, Patricia Wiklund, Ph.D. has helped some of America's largest, and smallest, organizations resolve expensive and troublesome people problems and conflicts by leveraging the strategic power of soft skills®. A former mental health professional, she is as comfortable on the front line, as on the shop floor, or in the corporate executive suite, and also works effectively in government and educational settings. Call her today at 415 641-5997, or email her at pat@patwiklund.com to discuss how she can help you put your people and organizations back on track.
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